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14-Sep-2019 00:25

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This isn't even counting my carefully curated "Not Having Sex" playlist, which is for the benefit of my neighbors, who have heard me getting plowed enough times to request my eviction.

Because I'm a calculated and promiscuous evil genius, my "Not Having Sex" playlist is similar (but not too similar) to my "Getting Ready" playlist, with a few more Jeremiah and Miguel songs thrown in.

We've gone on two dates and hooked up once, so Big Hot is still acquainted with the exfoliated and hairless me that exists only in the early stages of dating and penetration.

He cannot know that I'm really a barn animal in a wig and Forever 21 lounge pants, so this morning I took the proper measures to maintain the illusion of being a hot us that requires preparation and limitless patience.

We do all the hard work so all you have to do is sit back and enjoy your experience.

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You know, I should start making house calls more often, because having time to prepare is a luxury.

My eyebrows wash off in the shower and this is the first time my underwear has matched all week. Without Nair and waxing, I look like an early hominid, and it's scary and gross and bad.

Mature dating doesn’t need to feel like a chore, it can be easy to give up on love but with our help you don’t need to alone.